Eating Disorder, God, Recovery

Godly Love

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth.  
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

My eating disorder does not fit any of the godly qualities of love.  In fact, my eating disorder does the exact opposite of everything that represents godly love.
So why have I spent so much time trying to love my eating disorder and trying to get it to love me in return? 

~~~~~~

I rarely write about my faith on this blog.  I don’t write about how putting God first in my recovery often leads to better days and weeks on this road than when I don’t put Him first.  I don’t write about how I try to start each morning reading my bible, listening to contemporary Christian music, and praising God for giving me yet another sunrise.  However, as I was reading my bible this past Wednesday, I was focusing on 1 Corinthians 13 and the verses at the top of this post are what jumped out.  Love, and how love manifests itself here on earth, got me thinking that the “thing” I have spent the most time loving over the last 16.5 years hasn’t shown me any of the earthly manifestations of godly love.  So, today, I am writing about my faith and how reading the above verses has turned my thought process.

I once heard, I think it was in a Christian movie, to find the man worthy of marriage see if he fits the qualities of love found in 1 Corinthians 13.  This is something I intend to teach my daughter when she grows up and starts dating and it is something that has really stuck with me.  But you know what, I couldn’t quote the qualities if you asked me.  I didn’t have them memorized but I knew where to find them.  Terence, or TJ as most know him, is my amazing and supportive husband…AND he fits the qualities of godly love.  He shows me how to live and love.  He is teaching me how to live out the manifestations of love by practicing them with me and our daughter daily.  Terence is truly my inspiration when it comes to learning to love.  I love him with all my heart and I am inspired by his love for God and desire to live a life pleasing to The Lord.  However, my other “love” does not fit any of the 1 Corinthians 13 qualities.

My other “love” does the exact opposite of love.  My other “love” is my eating disorder and it breathes nothing but hate, defeat, and envy into my life.  Patience and kindness are things my eating disorder knows nothing about.  It does nothing but hurry me along on my destructive journey.  Often telling me to lose weight faster, work harder, and stop listening to my support people around me.  My eating disorder is rude…to the people who are trying so hard to help me.  It is rude to my friends when it tries desperately to rebuild the walls I have broken with God’s love and the support of my team.  My eating disorder absolutely insists on its own way.  All the time.  Everyone trying to help me is wrong…or so my eating disorder wants me to believe.  My eating disorder always rejoices in wrongdoing.  It rejoices in engaging in physical activity that I know is off-limits.  It rejoices when I see my weight while sitting in my dietician’s office, even though I know I don’t need to be looking at her paper to see it.  My eating disorder is arrogant; telling me I am nothing and no one can make me beautiful except my eating disorder.  Lies.  I currently am, and always have been, beautiful in God’s sight because He made me.  God made me unique and beautiful.

{For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. -Psalm 139:13-14}

It is exhausting “loving” something that never shows love in return.  My eating disorder never shows love–but always shows hate.  Reading the 1 Corinthians 13 passage the other day brought about an awakening that I have been wasting too much time and too much of my love on something that will never show love in return.  So my goal is to stop “loving” my eating disorder. I am going to stop indulging the unloving, evil thing by rejoicing in wrongdoing with it and start loving God, my husband, my daughter, my family, and friends more.  I am going to worship God with more love in my heart because some “love” isn’t siting in reserve for something that doesn’t deserve my love.

Do you have something or someone in your life that doesn’t fit the 1 Corinthians 13 definition of love?  
If so, what can you do to remove that from your life and allow more room for godly love? 

With Body Love,
Lane

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