I LOVE my life.
I love LIVING my life.
God has blessed me with a beautiful LIFE.
LOVE. LIVING. LIFE.
I love living life. I haven’t updated this blog in nearly two weeks because I have been busy living my life. I wish I could convey just how great it makes me feel to say I’ve been “living my life” but I don’t think any amount of words can express the joy I feel right now. My heart is full, my life is wonderful, and I am happy. Genuinely happy. Two words I never thought I would put next to each other and truly mean them: genuine and happy. But that is the truth in my life. I have come to realize my life is amazing; even with its bumps and setbacks.
Yes, I am genuinely happy and feel like I could do a happy dance around my house right now just because I love my life, but that doesn’t mean bad things don’t happen. I just choose to acknowledge God in those moments and keep moving forward. I am human and I have human emotions (something else that is rather new to my life) so when something bad occurs I do get upset. However, the magic happens in the moments following. In the past I would get upset when I got bad news or if something did not go my way on a given day and I would get angry. I would become angry with God for not giving me a perfect day and for not making my plans go perfectly or not providing for me the way in which He “promised.” Then I would follow-up my anger with some self-hate, self-doubt, and eventually some seriously eating disordered behaviors in order to make things “better.” All this did was lead to a negative attitude about my life and myself. I’m not sure when the shift happened but a few weeks ago I began trying something different: acknowledging that bad things happen but it isn’t the end of the road because God still has a glorious plan for me and my life.
And you know what, when I started doing that I started feeling happier. I started having a more positive outlook on my life and the things that happen in it. So we didn’t get a paycheck on time, that’s okay because God is still providing for us. I have a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator (wow!), clothes to wear, and gas in my car to get me where I need to go. The basics are always covered. Not only that, but I have a beautiful little girl who loves me with her whole heart and who makes me smile each day. I have a husband who works many long hours to make sure I don’t have to work and get to spend every day with our daughter. I have a God who loves me unconditionally, even when I don’t love myself and reject this life with which He has blessed me. A few months ago I was driving to one of my outpatient treatment appointments in the city and heard this beautiful quotation (please note this is not exact) on the Christian radio station:
All the stressors I am managing are actually blessings.
The full weight of that phrase did not hit me until a few weeks ago but it speaks absolute truth into my life. I get stressed and upset when I am running late to an appointment or my car battery dies in the middle of the Kroger parking lot on a Sunday afternoon…but those are actually blessings. I am blessed that I am able to be in eating disorder treatment and work with wonderful people who strive to see me happy and healthy in my life. I am blessed that I have my own car to get to the grocery store and my appointments. I am blessed that I have a grocery store where I can purchase food to fuel my body. All of it, all the stressors, are actually blessings. Perspective.
My “new” outlook on life has not only helped me feel happier and more grateful for every thing in my life but also for my body and my recovery. As I sat down to type this post tonight I looked back at some journal entries from recent weeks and realized, not only have I grown happier but I have put more distance between myself and “my” eating disorder. It is ironic I used the word “my” to describe the eating disorder because I have noticed the distance I have put between myself and it has come in the form of no longer referring to it as “mine” but simply “the eating disorder.” I no longer hold a personal attachment to the eating disorder for any part of my identity. My identity is completely separate from that of the eating disorder. While this is something we learn and target often in treatment it has not been evident that the eating disorder is not part of my identity until now. What is not ironic is how I have felt happier and more alive than ever with this new-found separation from the disease.
I am Lane. Beautifully flawed but also beautifully blessed and blissfully happy.
My body is beautiful. I am beautiful. My life is beautiful.
Love. Living. Life.
I mean, how can I NOT be happy and love living my beautiful life when I get to wake up and spend every day with this face:
With Body Love,