the act of giving someone support, confidence, or hope
All too often I talk to people I met in treatment who haven’t yet experienced this part of recovery:
true self-discovery and the lack of eating disordered thoughts
One of the most amazing aspects of recovery is it has opened my mind and given me time to think about more things than food, weight, and exercise. My mind has been able to wander and critically think about what I like, what I want to do with my life, and where I want to be. I’m not only unearthing a new appreciation for my body but also a passion and a purpose for my life. I’m enjoying new experiences, trying new things, and loving with my whole heart instead of just the part that isn’t consumed by the eating disorder.
You know what I discovered a few months ago? I love the color purple. I always thought my favorite colors were light pink and light blue because blue brought out the color of my eyes and pink looked nice with my blonde hair. I thought they were my favorite colors because they made me look good, not because I loved looking at them. Purple is calm and relaxing to me, especially the darker hues. When I think of the color purple it seems dreamy and daring all at the same time; much how I see myself these days. I see myself as a dreamer, uncovering the thoughts that I have never allowed myself to think and daring by making plans and taking chances on my dreams. In someways I feel like a new song that fits me is “Wild Child” by Kenny Chesney. (Why, yes, that is the song you are hearing.)
I really like cooking. Before recovery I always thought I hated cooking but in all honesty I never gave it a real try. I had my “safe” and eating disorder “approved” foods, from which I would not often stray when cooking for myself. If I allowed myself to cook when I was actively living in my eating disorder I might have liked it then and wanted recovery, which was not an eating disorder approved mindset, so I avoided cooking. Since I’ve grown stronger in recovery I’ve really started experimenting in the kitchen, especially as of late. I made homemade bread (more than once!), cinnamon rolls, and actually opened the cookbooks my mom gave me over five years ago. I even bought enough ingredients to make 20 (yes, 2-0) freezer meals for my crockpot. The crockpot we received as a wedding gift four years ago that I hardly used because “I didn’t like cooking.” I even made a healthy, wise-mind decision to stop eating gluten (for legitimate health reasons) and have taken an active interest in cooking gluten free meals. I must say, the gluten free veggie pizza I made the other night for dinner was ah-mazing! It is definitely a learning process but I still really enjoy cooking even though I have to use really random flours now.
I hate running…and lifting…and zumba. These are activities that never brought me true joy. I did them in an effort to lose weight, tone up, or punish myself for calories eaten. I have friends who love lifting and friends who love running…and those really crazy friends (just kidding) who love zumba…but that is not for me. I have found the physical activities that make me happy, that I look forward to doing, and I stick with those. Swimming. I love swimming. When I hit the water the world disappears. I am alone with my thoughts to problem-solve, dream, and relax. If I notice an eating disorder thought starting to creep in I stop swimming laps and start “mermaid swimming,” as my dietician calls it; which is really just playing around and lazily swimming. Swimming is a safe place and the eating disorder thoughts that might still be lurking around in my head are not welcome when I am swimming; they don’t get to invade my safe place. Before recovery I liked swimming but rarely did it because I didn’t want anyone to see me in a swimsuit and judge me. Now I just don’t care.
I love writing. This one might seem obvious but I didn’t realize I loved it (or that I was any good at it) until I entered recovery. Writing allows me to clear my mind, express myself, and encourage others. When someone tells me they have been encouraged by my writing it makes me smile but makes me appreciate my recovery that much more. I thank God for blessing me with this gift and being patient with me until I was ready to use it. I only hope He continues to use my writing to help encourage others.
I love being a stay-at-home mom. I have said before I did not fully appreciate Vivienne for the majority of her life, but now I do. I wasn’t thankful for the opportunity to be home with her on a daily basis because all I could see was the money I “wasted” on graduate school because I wasn’t using my degree; completely forgetting degrees don’t expire and I can always have a career later. Now I love playing with Vivienne and structuring her days at home. Mozart Mondays, Witness Wednesdays (we do random acts of kindness around the community), and Field Trip Fridays maximize my time with her and allow me to teach her about our faith and to be a good servant for Christ. She is my “career” and my main “mission field” for Christ.
Finally, I love how resilient my body is when it is healthy. I love how clearly I can think when my judgement is not clouded by eating disordered behaviors. Decisions that, in the past, would have been made with great difficulty seem easy now. I am so thankful for my body’s ability to heal itself. While my brain is still making new pathways and erasing old habits like a bad mixed-tape (you know you remember making those), I am consistently reinforcing recovery oriented behaviors because the choice is easier. Most days I don’t even have to think about eating all my meals and snacks because I actually want them now. There is no debate about whether or not I should eat, I want to eat. My body is beautiful and amazing all the same time. I look at myself now and my thoughts are not dripping with disdain for my body but with positivity and joy.
Recovery has allowed me to discover parts of myself I never knew before because my personality and my likes/dislikes were masked by the eating disordered brain. I know myself better than I ever thought possible and I have days where the eating disorder doesn’t even cross my mind.
Recovery, and days without the eating disorder taking over your every thought, are absolutely possible.
You can do this. You can recover. ❤
With Body Love,