Rising out of darkness, the lotus flower emerges to float on top of the water;
unstained by the mud that binds it.
After a long weekend visiting family in a very health-conscious city (i.e.: people always running and biking regardless of the time of day, and gyms on every corner), I found myself really struggling with body image and wanting to return to eating disordered ways. RED + FLAG. For the last two months I haven’t really struggled with the eating disordered thoughts or body image nearly as bad as I did for the last few days. Feeling in such an awful place about my body made me question why I am even running this blog and Facebook page. However, last night I got some serious rest and this morning I woke up with a new frame of mind. While I am still struggling I am ready to fight harder again because that is recovery: moments of fighting hard, tooth and nail, to remain in recovery and learning to love myself and my body along the way.
I have also been thinking a lot about the symbolism behind the BBA logo and what it means for me in recovery and with my body acceptance.
The BBA logo is rooted in deep meaning and symbolism; everything from the lotus flower to the color scheme was chosen carefully and to represent something. The lotus flower sits delicately, cleanly on top of the water after it comes up from the muddy bottom and murky water that holds it in place. It is rooted firmly and opens with the rising sun. A new day, a new beginning for the lotus flower. The flower is unstained by the mud from which it rises. Beauty rises out of darkness. Body acceptance is beautiful, especially when it comes from the darkness of self-doubt, self-hate, and struggle to love. The lotus flower in the logo is not fully open, showing body acceptance and love is an ongoing journey. It takes time, patience, and continuous effort to learn to love myself; just as recovery times time, patience, and continuous effort. Neither body love or full recovery came instantly when I stepped into the sun and started living in the truth. Like the lotus flower blooming in the sun, petals open slowly and each one is examined in truth (sun) before the flower is fully open and the heart is revealed for the world to see. I am like the lotus flower not fully open. While some petals have received the sunlight others are just beginning to open as I figure out what triggers me most and causes me to feel such dislike for my body.
The blue and purple hues used in the logo also hold meaning for me. Purple is my favorite color but, as I wrote in a previous post, I believe purple to be dreamy and daring. The color blue, especially light blue, is calming and comforting to me. While purple represents the side of me that dreams of full recovery and body love, blue represents the calm state of mind it takes to practice radical body acceptance.
Finally, the water under the lotus and the droplet of water above it represent sustaining life and relaxation. The ocean and water speaks to me and calms me. Much like a lotus bobbing on the water and making ripples, becoming a body acceptance advocate also makes ripples. It isn’t a commonly embraced concept, as we are a society fixated on changing our appearance. BBA seeks to make waves. Water is also sustaining. We need water to survive and water helps give life. The water droplet coming down on the lotus helps sustain it, such as food, water, and God help sustain me.
While the last few days have been a struggle, I needed to return to the root of why I started this blog. It is an honest look at radical body acceptance through the lens of eating disorder recovery. This is the honest side of it. I still struggle; I haven’t perfected this process. I have days when I don’t even remotely love my body and it is difficult to practice radical body acceptance and find the things I do like and appreciate. There are days when I don’t want to fight for recovery because it might be “easier” in the moment to go back to eating disordered ways and just let go of the rope in this tug-of-war. However, I don’t let go; I keep pulling and practicing radical body acceptance no matter how difficult it is. I find the things I do appreciate and hold on to those. I see the sunlight as I am rising from the muddy, murky waters of the eating disorder and self-hate to examine my petals in truth.
This is the truth:
I don’t appreciate my body all the time, but I am learning. I fight to find the things I do like, even when the eating disordered part of my brain says there is nothing to like or love about myself. I appreciate that my body could take my daughter trick-or-treating last Saturday in that health-conscious town because I enjoyed living in the moment with her. I also appreciate my brain and heart for fighting to fully recover from the eating disorder that bound them in hate for so long. What is your truth today?
Radical body acceptance is a journey on which anyone can embark.
So why not start today?
With Body Love,