Appreciation, Body Acceptance, Body Appreciation, Body Image, Body Love, Body Shape, Body Size, Eating Disorder, Emotions, Encouragement, Faith, Feelings, Hope, Journaling, Joy, Love, Motivation, New Year, Recovery, Triggers, Uncategorized, Weight

Happy Holidays

“Be happy in the moment, that’s enough.  Each moment is all we need, nothing more.”
-Mother Teresa

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The holidays are challenging for people struggling with, and in recovery from, eating disorders and I don’t think it really matters how long a person has been in recovery–the holidays can be rough.  Food, and tons of it, at every gathering and family members who are either talking about their own diet and work out regimen or commenting on the progress of the person in recovery.  Sometimes it is difficult to tune out the diet talk or know how to handle comments about recovery, but that is why it is of the utmost importance to be mindful and present at all times.

Christmas is right around the corner, closely followed by New Year’s and those *wonderful* resolutions.  We are about to be spammed more than usual with diets, before and after photos of half naked people praising the latest boot camp style at home workouts, and the pushing of gym memberships.  Not only that, but this year my 30th birthday happens to be sandwiched between the two.  Yep.  The big 3-0 in two weeks.  Talk about time to practice being mindful and present at all times!  It can really be challenging to stay mindful but here are some tips on how I plan to do it and you can always use them too…

  1. Yoga, deep breathing.  These are always my go-to for mindfulness and bringing myself back to the present.  I live on a sailboat in South Carolina where the weather has grown chilly and doing morning yoga outside isn’t really an option and neither is doing yoga in a very small space; therefore I don’t get to do this one as often as I like anymore but even a few simple poses can help.  Take time on the morning of a gathering to do a quick 10-minute sun salutation to start your day and get yourself into the right frame of mind to deal with negativity and diet talk.  Clear your head and throughout the practice remind yourself that you are enough and you are beautiful exactly as you are in this moment.  Find things you appreciate about your body and speak them gently to yourself.  Once you reach the gathering take a few moments before going inside to breathe deeply for five breaths and again remind yourself that you are enough and there are many wonderful things about you.  If you find yourself struggling with anxiety during a gathering take a step back in a quiet room and repeat the deep breathing exercises.
  2. Power Playlist.  I love music.  It is huge motivator and mood changer for me so I have playlists ranging from caribbean/reggae, Christian, to recovery oriented positive playlists.  Depending on my mood I select something to help lift it.  Typically the recovery positive playlist is my go-to when driving to gatherings or places where I know anxiety will automatically increase.  Singing the songs in the car helps immensely to bring myself into the present moment.  Listening to my recovery positive playlist helps me feel empowered, strong, and prepared to deal with any eating disorder thoughts that pop in my head.
  3. Small Reminders.  I have a thin rubber bracelet that says “Beautiful Body Acceptance” on it that I wear often.  Earlier this week I received an e-mail from a treatment professional who said she loaned her BBA bracelet to a client over Thanksgiving to help bring about mindfulness in times of stress.  While not everyone has a BBA bracelet there may be a small piece of jewelry you can look at to remind yourself that you are beautiful, unique, and your body is something to be loved and appreciated.  Maybe it is a small silver wave ring or bangle to remind you to let the emotions roll over you like waves, acknowledging them but not being taken under by them.   The same could be said of an ocean blue colored piece of jewelry or something with sea glass.  However, the sea is not calming to everyone (I love it and practically live on it, as I live on a sailboat) but surely there is something that could help remind you to acknowledge the emotions but not be swept away by them.  Be creative!

There are so many ways to be mindful and bring yourself back to the present during the holidays.  The most important thing is to remind yourself that you need to take time for self care.  Constantly being around others can take a toll on anyone, but especially someone who is trying to recover from an eating disorder.  Anxiety, stress, worry, and the eating disorder voice and take over at any moment which is why it is so very important to remember to take time for mindfulness.  Experience joy this Christmas season by believing that you are worthy, loved, and beautiful just as you are.  Take time to breathe and remember why you are fighting so hard for recovery.

With Body Love,
Lane 

Appreciation, Body Acceptance, Body Appreciation, Body Image, Body Love, Body Shape, Body Size, Eating Disorder, Emotions, Encouragement, Faith, Feelings, Friends, God, Gratitude, Hope, Joy, Love, Motivation, Recovery, Social Media, Uncategorized, Weight

Motivation

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

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I found myself sitting in Starbucks a few days ago with a woman who is walking her own eating disorder recovery journey.  I respect all people who walk this journey, as they are courageous enough to fight a difficult fight, but this woman in particular.  She had never met me but reached out online and asked to meet up while I was in town.  Naturally, because I love sharing my story and learning about others walking a similar road, I agreed and found myself sitting across from her talking about our recovery road.  That is when she asked me the question I wasn’t quite sure how to answer, “What was your motivation?  I find myself wanting to give in sometimes and resorting to old behaviors.”

What was my motivation to recover?

My immediate answer was, “Vivienne, my daughter.”  At least Vivienne and TJ, my husband, were the initial motivators but upon further reflection after leaving Starbucks I began to dig deeper and remember my bigger motivators when I was in the depths of the disease.  Sometimes it is hard to recall what I was thinking at that time because my world was spinning so fast and I was working all day, every day to recover.  My motivators changed like the tides but I boiled it down to be concise enough to fit on this post.  So, to the woman I met in the coffee shop, I hope you see this post and know this is how I would answer your question if you asked me again.

External Motivation:  This was the initial motivation that got me into the doors of the treatment center; the motivation that made me reach out to a therapist and dietician in the first place.  I’ll admit, when I started working with Amy (therapist) and Anne (dietician) it was for external factors.  My doctor said I needed a therapist to help deal with postpartum depression and eating disordered behaviors; in order to appease TJ and my doctor, I found one that worked with eating disorders, too.  I knew I wasn’t being the wife and mother I could be and I needed help to figure it out.  So, off to therapy I went.  When I decided it was time to see a dietician I picked one that worked with eating disorders but I wanted lose weight, not necessarily deal with all the eating disordered behaviors.  My external motivators that got me through the doors of both outpatient and IOP were TJ, Vivienne, my desire to lose weight, and my desire to appease people in my life. While those are not the best motivations, they did start me on the path to true recovery.

Internal Motivation:  This is where my goals for myself, my family, and the dreams that extended beyond my body came to play.  These motivators weren’t present in the first half of my time in IOP but really started to show themselves during the second half.  Once my body was starting to replenish the much needed nutrients I began to untangle the web of myself.  The eating disorder started when I was so young that I didn’t really get the chance to figure out my true likes, dreams, and personality.  Once I started to see beyond the external motivating factors that got me into treatment I began to see the motivating factors within myself; my driving forces to recover.   During treatment I realized the primary emotion I ever let myself feel was anger; which, as I learned during an internship with recovering drug addicts, is actually a secondary emotion.  Anger always masks another feeling, and in my case anger seemed to mask every other emotion possible.  IOP helped me start to experience feelings of true happiness and I wanted more of it. I began to have more positive life experiences and started figuring out my goals and passions; such as my sense of adventure (I am an adrenaline junkie) and love of helping others.  Radical body acceptance was introduced and I ran with the idea of accepting my body and myself exactly as I was at any given moment.  I started to let myself dream again and one of those dreams was to move to an island in the Caribbean with my little family.  This was a dream my husband and I shared when we first got married, but as I drifted back to the eating disorder I slowly let myself forget about the Caribbean until I was near the end of IOP.  I wanted so much more than to be sitting in weekly appointments with a therapist and dietician for the rest of my life.  I wanted to be free to explore new countries, cultures, and not be afraid to try the ethnic foods of those cultures.  I wanted to truly enjoy my life instead of merely existing in it.  

Spiritual Motivation:  God is the center of my life and marriage.  I hold tightly to my Christian values and beliefs, and I believe with all my heart God is the primary factor that got me to this point where I can say I am recoverED.  While I do not discount my own hard work and diligence, I looked to Christ for my strength at the times when I was my weakest. My husband and dietician were adamant God was going to use me and this struggle for a greater purpose when I was stronger, and I see now they were right all along.  God has granted me with the ability to write well and the vulnerability to be completely honest about my journey; two things that, when combined, create a greater purpose for my struggle.  God lit a fire in my life when He led me to this path of recovery–a fire to live a life so full of purpose that now I can live it fully for Him.  I get to share this recovery story with anyone who reads this blog, follows BBA on Facebook, or meets me in person and give all glory to God in the process.  God gave me a passion for sharing my story with others and some extremely big dreams for my family that could only be carried out when I was in full recovery.  I am now in that place and those dreams are being fulfilled.  

Musical Motivation:  I’ve always been drawn to music and I love singing.   My mom told me ever since I was an infant I needed music to go to sleep, so it isn’t a surprise that I created multiple recovery playlists to help motivate me.  On the 45 minute drive to IOP, therapy, or appointments with my dietician I would have a recovery playlist blasting loudly through the speakers of my Honda Pilot.  Songs from several different musical genres all came together on my lists: Christian hymns, Christian pop songs, country, rap, SOCA, reggae, secular pop…I have a rather eclectic music collection.  Some of my favorites are as follows:

You Make Me Brave–Bethel Music and Amanda Cook (Christian)
Diamonds–Hawk Nelson (Christian)
Beautiful, Beautiful–Francesca Battistelli  (Christian)
Crushed and Created–Caitlyn Smith (pop/country)
Monster–Skillet (Christian Rock)
Fight Song–Rachel Platten (pop)
Lose Yourself–Eminem (rap)
Part of Me–Katy Perry (pop)
Hearts of Warriors–Casey Montana Rogers (country)
Cleanin’ Out My Closet–Eminem (rap)
Phenomenal–Benjai (SOCA)
Wild Child–Kenny Chesney (country)
Ah Feeling Mehself–Patrice Roberts (SOCA)
Soul of a Sailor–Kenny Chesney (country)
Surrender All–Matt Boswell (Christian, currently playing with post)

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If I could re-answer the question about where I got my motivation I would say it was (and is) three-fold with a fourth bonus.
My main motivators were
external, internal, and spiritual
but musical motivation is always a bonus!

External motivation is what got me through the doors and into treatment but internal and spiritual motivation were what kept me there for the long haul. 

What motivates you in recovery and in life?

Find your fire, your passion and keep fighting for it! 

With Body Love,
Lane

Appreciation, Body Acceptance, Body Appreciation, Body Image, Body Love, Body Shape, Body Size, Challenge, Eating Disorder, Emotions, Encouragement, Faith, Feelings, God, Gratitude, Hope, Journaling, Joy, Recovery, Uncategorized

Raw Honesty

“Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.  Be honest and transparent anyway.” 
-Mother Teresa

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In this post I am about to do something I have never done before on this blog.  That is a year of writing for BBA and I’m about to do something new.  While it isn’t mind-blowing and it isn’t anything exciting, it is more honest than anything I’ve ever written before (and I’m honest in every post).  I am going to share real thoughts, with images, from my journal.  My most secret weapon in recovery is about to be opened, unedited, for others to use as a tool for their recovery to realize they are not alone and show some serious radical body acceptance.  It’s about to get real, folks.  Am I a little nervous about being THIS raw and honest?  Yep.  Is it going to stop me?  Nope.  So, here it goes…

Last week I did something that absolutely terrified me and brought me to tears.  I had my body traced by my dietician.  I stood with my back against a wall and let someone trace my body so I could see more accurately the size I am.  I’ve known for quite some time that I don’t see myself accurately when I look in the mirror; my mind plays tricks on me from the remnants of the eating disorder.  Often it is similar to looking into a funhouse mirror.  One second I will think I look pretty good then I will turn to walk way from the mirror (or other reflective surface) only to catch a glimpse and it suddenly looks like I gained 20 pounds.  This is my real-life way of viewing myself when there is a mirror present and I’ve been working SO HARD to change it.  I mean, that’s the whole basis for this blog!

Before the tracing began my dietician handed me a piece of paper with the same images as the photo at the top of this post.  She directed me to circle the figure I thought most accurately represented my body and then set it aside.  Anyway, after the tracing was done I stepped away from the wall but I was afraid to turn around. I was afraid of what the outline would reveal about my body.  I was afraid it would be bigger than what I thought.  I was afraid it would be smaller.  I was just afraid in general.  Why was I so afraid?  Because if the outline of my body was not what I thought I saw then it would show me I still have a lot of work to do toward accepting my body and seeing myself accurately.   A difference in size from what I see in my mind would represent the eating disorder still having a heavy grasp on my body image and I didn’t want that to be the case.  I desperately wanted to see an accurate size portrayal to show myself that I am doing well in recovery and with accepting my body.

However, when I turned around all I could do was stare.

I had no words for the few few minutes.

My eyes darted to the different parts of my body outlined on the brown butcher block paper taped to the wall. 

Finally, I could bring myself to conjure up some words to express what I was thinking and feeling.  Initially I was disappointed.  There were parts that seemed larger than how I see them and shocked at the parts that appeared to be smaller than what I see.  Nothing seemed to be accurate.  My mind was reeling that the eating disorder could still have such a strong grasp on this part of my brain, but as I began to really process what I saw later that night, this is what developed…

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I wrote…a lot.  I thought…a lot.  And I went to the all-mighty Google to find the same images I saw earlier that depicted body sizes.  Once I found the same body size image I printed it.  I stared at it and realized I hadn’t been completely honest earlier in the day.  I knew I saw myself as larger than the image I circled, yet I desperately wanted my dietician to think I was significantly further along with my thoughts regarding my body than I figured I was.  So I decided to get completely honest with myself about what I thought before and after.  This was the result:

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As you can see, I decided by the end of writing that my body couldn’t accurately be depicted by just one figure because I am not made from a cookie cutter. Did ya catch that?  I AM NOT MADE FROM A COOKIE CUTTER. My body is as unique as my fingerprint because I was created in God’s image and He created us all uniquely.  I love it.  That was a pivotal point for me in this body image and body size acceptance journey.  Realizing that my body doesn’t look like any figure on a paper because I am unique hit me pretty hard.

I. Am. Unique.

Say it with me,

“I am unique.”

Yes, I am talking to you.

YOU are unique.

I challenge you to hang on to that.  You are unique.  You aren’t made from a cookie cutter.
You are not a cookie.
(But it is totally okay to eat a cookie.  mmmm….cookies.)

With Body Love,
Lane

Appreciation, Body Acceptance, Body Appreciation, Body Image, Body Love, Body Shape, Body Size, Eating Disorder, Emotions, Encouragement, Exercise, Faith, Feelings, Friends, God, Gratitude, Hope, Joy, Love, New Year, Postpartum Body, Recovery, Social Media, Uncategorized, Weight

New Year, Embracing My TRUE Self

As 2015 finds its exit tonight, it leaves me with many memories, lessons, and victories.
It is also setting me up for success and realistic goals for 2016.
So bring on the new year!

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What a year 2015 has been!  I’ve learned more about myself in this year than I ever thought possible.  I didn’t know it was possible to be as happy as I have been and I am elated to discover I can continue to live my life this way–this happy.  Happiness is a choice and I am going to keep using my “wise mind” to choose to be happy just like I continue to choose recovery over relapse.  That being said…

So long, 2015!  Let’s review what you taught me: 

  1. I love the color PURPLE.  Seriously, purple is my color. Can’t. Get. Enough. 
  2. The lotus flower is pretty much my power symbol and represents my journey toward self-acceptance and self-discovery.  Just as the lotus flower must come up through deep, dark mud to bloom and become beautiful; the journey I have walked in recovery has turned me into this beautiful, blooming woman.
  3. Recovery, true recovery, is 100% possible!  Before I always thought people who wrote books about being completely recovered were full of poo but as I’ve walked this road for the last year I have come to understand I, too, can be completely recovered.
  4. I’ll let you in on a little secret…I’m kind of a hippy at heart. 
    1. I LOVE yoga, meditation, hemp products, and fair trade clothing
    2. Side note: favorite fair trade clothing companies: Soul FlowerFair IndigoOka-B, and LulaRoe (softest leggings ever)
  5. I love writing.  Kind of obvious but I didn’t realize just HOW much I love writing until this year.
  6. I enjoy burning incense and using essential oils.
  7. I CAN survive without knowing my weight.  Give it a try…I am certain you have it within you to survive without knowing that number, too!
  8. My clothing size absolutely does not matter.  It doesn’t determine my worth or whether or not people like me.
  9. I LOVE BEING A MOM.  Best. “Job.” Ever.
  10. I can appreciate my body and show it love…even when I’m struggling.

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I would say that is a pretty good list of self-discoveries I made in 2015!  I look forward to putting those discoveries to use in 2016.  For once my goals for the new year have nothing to do with worshipping the gods of thinness and everything to do with embracing my true self.  Curious?  Check them out!

Goals for 2016:

  1. Improve my daily body image.  While my body image is leaps and bounds beyond where it was at the start of 2015, I still have a long way to go.  Poor body image is everywhere and we are taught to dislike what we see, so working to change that will take time but I’m willing to put in that time. 
  2. Cease eating disorder treatment.  Not because I am ready to throw in the towel but because I obtain sustained recovery and no longer need treatment services.
  3. Yoga, yoga, yoga!! The movement I once found “worthless” has become part of my life on a (near) daily basis.  I’m ready to commit to my yoga practice more often and deepen my understanding of self through that practice.  (Hippy, I know.) 
  4. Finish the Beautiful Body Acceptance book I started a few months ago.  Writing a book is serious work; especially when my toddler comes first!  (Writers block is serious stuff, too.)  Hopefully I can carve out more time to work on writing it in 2016! 
  5. Grow the BBA “brand” this year. BBA is still a baby, my (second) baby, and nurturing this blog and book are on my list of goals.  I want more people to see their beauty and begin the journey of body acceptance! 

I hope you take time to reflect on the lessons you learned in 2015 and set goals for 2016 that don’t worship the gods of thinness and weight loss.
Set goals to embrace your true self and let your happy shine! 

With Body Love,
Lane